Please review my zombie movie script

[Brainstrained]

Hey guys, I was hoping some people could look at my script and tell me what they thought of it.

What parts were funny, what parts werent funny, what did you like, what did you hate, etc.

Its about 30 pages long, and its about two guys who have to save Christmas and fight zombies.

Im gonna start production the day after Christmas, so theres still plenty of time to fix what sucks and make scenes better.

Thanks guys.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/Y5AyuaQOURu2

[punkandska66]

its good i like it.

[Brainstrained]

You read it in under twelve minutes?

thanks...

[bridboyross]

I liked it, it was very surreal (Mr Wizard...) but quite cliched, like the slapping of the faces is in quite a few films and would ge told if you did it as much as in this, as would the high fives, also the factt hatt he characters KNOW they are in a movie oculd go either way, I loved the ho, ho, holy shit line, that did make me laugh. Make sure that when you do it the gore is very over the top and cartoony, if you make it really sick and twisted it wont sit right with the comedy, remember when the guy was ripped apart in Shaun Of The Dead, Dawn beat the zombies away with his leg, this was very over the top and amusing, if he had just been ripped apart realisitcally it wouldnt have worked as well. Maybe tighten it up a bit (the characters are maybe too jocky) and maybe make it less surreal, overall though not bad.

[punkandska66]

i read a large portion of it. ok maybe not that large but i read it until i got bored. the dialauge (sp?) was realistic. and the characters seemed likely to be like real people.

[Brainstrained]

Well thanks for checking it out guys, I appreciate it. I realize that the sequences with Mr.Wizard (random name I came up with probably gonna change it) are pretty weird, I wanted him to be sort of like Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh. Pretty much the hardest part to shoot will be the scene with Marcus and the birthday zombies, just because of how many people will have to be involved. I want each zombie to get totally massacred so a few people will get their coats wrecked...

[cameraman]

Let me go throught the screneplay from the start:
The first slap is kinda gay, dont ya think? Dave should punch brian or something. The second poker slap. Shouldnt he say somethin like what the-- then bop him in the back of the head, cause again, a guy slaping another guy seemes kinda odd. Maybe once or twice. The 'killed santa' motif is very funny. I can picture a close up of each person as they say it. Nice. Mr. wizard and bryan high five seems kinda strange. Two total strangers being friendly....hmmm.
Oh and so you know, 'yeaaaaaa' as you have it, is spelled 'yeah' or 'yeaaaaaahh'. And to be gramaticly correct 'dawg' should have qoutes around it. So you know. Oh, and the pizza montage is great. love it. The 'anybody could come', 'your a nobody' sequence is awesome, its so Carol Burnett, i love it! The last couple of slaps fit nicely though, i love your script. When he is reding the instructions it should take a very long time and you should cut between steven and reading the instructions then he resolves, 'just add water'. i love the 'ho ho holy..' line it made me fall off my chair. I loved your script. Good luck with it. Bravura!

[Blaman]

I liked it. Screenplay is pretty good. I like the self-reflexivity (breaking 4th wall). Acting and directing will really sell it. Good luck

[kpb730]

seems like it could be pretty good.

[Flamingo With A Spoon Productions]

Yeah I like it.

I wanted him to be sort of like Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh.

Yay I've found another Boosh fan!

Soup! Soup! A tasty soup soup!

[JoeTalls]

Honestly, I'd have to say that I have mixed feelings on your screenplay. Here's a list of what I did and didn't like:

What I Did Like:

1. The idea was completely original. I don't think I've ever heard of a Christmas themed zombie movie.

2. There weren't any loose ends in the screenplay. I like how you tied everything together. When Bryan first brought over the dog kennel I was thinking, "I really hope this has something to do with the rest of the story." And it did (i.e. Steven gets bitten by a zombie, so they keep him in the kennel).

3. There were a handful of funny parts. I really enjoyed the pizza scene. I mean, Steven is a zombie locked in a cage and needs some type of cure, yet his friends take the time to make a frozen pizza before they leave and then have a conversation about whether or not it was good. I agree that the 'ho, ho, holy' line was funny as well. Finally, I enjoyed the fact that you always came back to the bathroom door lock being broken. You used that a few times, and I think it works well.

What I Didn't Like:

1. If this screenplay is 30 pages long, I would say there's at least 10 pages of meaningless dialogue that could be cut out. For example, the poker scene should be completely scrapped. It was boring to read and I think it would be painful to watch. It goes back and forth between the three main characters saying like one or two words each; it just isn't necessary. And the whole thing with the aces is just dumb.

2. The high fives and the face slaps have to go. They are unnatural and, well, kind of gay. They might have worked in movies like "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure," but that type of humor is really outdated.

3. I like the dream sequences, but Mr. Wizard definitely needs a new name.

4. Marcus is just a little too over the top. I think he could be cut out of the story completely, but if you insist on having him, he needs to be in the story for a longer period of time. You shouldn't make a point of introducing him, just to have him die a page later. And he is killed by a bike? Really?

5. Finally, you would probably be better off not using the word dawg...ever.

Overall, this was a pretty decent screenplay. It held my attention for all 30 pages and I thought you ended it well. I'm not completely convinced that it's film festival material or anything, but it could be with a little work. If nothing else, it would make a very good YouTube video (as is).

Keep us posted!

[Brainstrained]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I want to rewrite it without the Mr.wizard crap, right now it just feels like a lame way to keep the story moving and convey information. The poker scene actually happened in real life, my brother does like magic tricks. I should probably establish that earlier on if I want that scene to work. Anyways, we start shooting tomorrow (just the last scene, I wanna grab that before my dad throws out the christmas tree) so I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Thanks again for the feedback, I really do appreciate it.

[glmclainmovies]

could be cool if you do it right

[grosenblum]

The only thing I would say(because to be truthful, I didn't read it, just skimmed through it) is when writing a screenplay, when you introduce a character for the first time, you put their name in all caps.

I have heard good reviews from the other forum members on this thread, and I think I'm going to read it. Good luck at your shoot.

[yourmindsinnerworkings]

why marcus. WHYYYYYYY!