Look at my script?

[atomic9studios]

Does anyone mind having a look at my script for The NorthGuard Project?

If so, shoot me a PM :cool:

--Hunter

[Neoproks]

Sent you a pm.

[atomic9studios]

Thanks man.

[Neoproks]

Ok, I read it last night. I want to address a few things.

To start off with, some of the dialouge is jumbled or worded weirdly. For example, the part where Dr. Forester says,

''Alright then. Is every one comfy? Yes? Good! Let me introduce myself. I am Dr. Forester. I head NorthGuard for Diamond Pharmaceuticals. When we are finished, i will give you my card when you all can call me when ever you have a problem. Now don't hesitate to call me! Anything, the littlest thing, call me."

I think that the line is kind of confusing and should be reworded to something along the lines of

"Alright then. Is every one comfy? Yes? Good! Let me introduce myself. My name is Dr. Forester and I am the head of the NorthGuard project at Diamond Phamaceuticals. When we are finished, each of you will be given my card. This card will have my contact information so that you can call me if any of you have a problem. Now, don't hesitate to call me if anything seems to be going wrong. Anything, even the littlest thing, call me"

Next the line where Dr. Corren says,

"Mydoxaline. The first drug to erase signs of aging, fatigue, erase cell damage, rejuvenate joints, and possibly, quite possibly, destroy cancerous cells and re-code cells that were damaged by HIV and AIDS."

I think is kind of redundant because he says to erase signs of aging then a few seconds later says to erase cell damage. In my opinion it would sound better if he said something like,

"Mydoxaline. The first drug to erase signs of aging and fatigue. The only drug to eradicate cell damage, rejuvenate joints, and possibley, quite possibly, even destroy cancerous cells and re-code those cells that have been damaged by the HIV virus."

The next line I just think would be strange for someone to say. When Laurie says,

"I don't know. It feels like i'm not human"

I think this is strange due to the fact that most people wouldn't say that they don't feel like they are human. Even though she is changing into something other than a human, I don't think she could tell. I think someone would more likely say,

"I don't know. It feels like something inside me is different."

But, that could just be me nitpicking.

Overall I enjoyed the story and besides a couple of typing errors the script seems to be solid. I will definitely check this out once the whole thing is finished.

[theN]

I wanna read it man. Ima shoot you a Pm.

[atomic9studios]

Neoproks, you just saved my ass. I knew there was something wrong with it.

theN and thepie, i'll send you both out the revised script as soon as i'm done with it.

[Neoproks]

Neoproks, you just saved my ass. I knew there was something wrong with it.

theN and thepie, i'll send you both out the revised script as soon as i'm done with it.
Thanks man, I'll help out any time.

[atomic9studios]

I'll make sure to give you credit in the credits :D lol

[theN]

Neoproks, you just saved my ass. I knew there was something wrong with it.

theN and thepie, i'll send you both out the revised script as soon as i'm done with it.

awesome :D

[atomic9studios]

theN, did you get it? And if so, what'd you think? :)

[theN]

EDIT: I read it, I liked it. Not to be nit picky but theres alot of formating and capitalization inconstancies. Like Dr. Forrester:
and then not line would be Dr Forrester
and you havent capitalized alot of things that should be. But I do really like the story. :D

[atomic9studios]

Eh, i was pretty tired writing it on the plane :D

I'll get on that!