New Script! Please critique!

[TheResignation00]

http://pc.celtx.com/project/1Gg6fGdFRIPs

This is my new script called Brotherly Love.

I plan on making it in a few months. Tell me what you like and what you hate. It's not too long. Only 8 or 9 pages.

[TheResignation00]

Oh commme onn!

[amc760]

It held my attention.

Formatted nicely, interesting dialogue.

My problem with the story was the ending. Kind of far-fetched. So a guy is unexpectedly murdered by these guys, appears in a funeral where he is presumably buried, then comes back in the restaurant, where he waits until the two hitmen are just about to me murdered?

It felt like you had some good dialogue going, were feeling your characters, then suddenly slapped on a hastily made twist. You know what I mean?

Maybe if you introduced a second brother at the funeral, who appeared to be grieving, but ends up assasinating Malone in a coup. Just a suggestion.



I don't mean for my critique to be to harsh. The script was great, the ending was the ONLY thing I didn't care for. The rest was great. Good tempo, was very readable. Probably the most readable stuff I've read in my short time on this site.

[TheResignation00]

Thanks so much for taking time to read it. This is exactly the kind of criticism I want.

I do need to spice up the ending. I just don't know what exactly to do.

Thanks!

[_ray_biddle_]

Hi There,

A problem I see right away is you're trying to set up a joke with the head and feet discussion right? Humor has to be set up properly. Remember the rule of three, it work for a scary scene too.

Set up the joke :
Two small guys stand with guns drawn staring down at a large dead guy with bullet hole in his chest.

Two small guys is funny next to the large guy.

Reiterate the situation, set it up again.
You did this well with the telling of who's carrying which end of the body.


Punch line: Make it funny! You want the reader to spit milk out their nose, even if that isn't what you intended.

Overall you are learning how to craft a screenplay. Keep at it!

Another way to set it up, have the body in an ALL WHITE ROOM, Rugs, furniture, paint. The concern about not wanting to get blood all over would sell the humor of the scene.

You may be relying on dialog too much, use action to help move the story forward.

I hope I have been helpful.

[Iris Van Entertainment]

I't silent for three beats.

What do you mean by a beat?

[TheResignation00]

A beat means like counting "One..." like, one second.

And to the other guy, I understand what you're trying to say, but it's not really comedic. I don't want the audience to LAUGH out loud. I want them to laugh to themselves because its something horrible and awkward. Thanks for the advice!

[TheMan24]

I think you did great! It was planned out very well with excellent dialog. It kept me reading on and the twist at the end just totally sold it. That was really good.

[TheResignation00]

Wow thanks. I didnt expect people to like it this much. Atleast I know im doing SOMETHING right. haha.

I'll keep posting new stuff as I write it!

[tommy012345]

if you can't think of a script heres an easy way to get you started:
for example: JAWS: man scared of water tries to stop shark
E.T: boy makes friends with alien tries to get it home
so jut think of a basic plot and work around it thats what i do!!!

[TheResignation00]

^^You got that off of a website. Lol.

Trust me, I've searched around too.

Oh, and I'm not really sure where this comes into play in the thread?

[Scott]

This story is like Pulp Fiction meets The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[TheResignation00]

This story is like Pulp Fiction meets The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I wouldnt be honest if I said that I didn't base my characters off of Jules and Vincent. lol.