A two page comedy

[Scamp]

http://download73.mediafire.com/4gxc10sh0lwg/fuw39p0tgkb/free+sample.pdf



As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.

[_ray_biddle_]

It has moments of greatness! I'd prefer not to have to download something though. I'd also appreciate not having to explain to my wife that the video isn't a part of the screenplay. It's hard to not look guilty when therre's big breast on the screen.

If you make it one page longer, the story could have a complete beginning -middle and ending.

The dialog works for most of it. There's a lot of extra words that in the future you should try and not have. Here's how I'd write the opening action paragraph.

WILL'S holds an open box of fish sticks in the frozen foods section. He's up against the freezer in a dirty apron, jeans and a tee shirt as an attractive woman passes him. He offers her the box.

WILL
Free sample?

If you find yourself writing is and then the action, rewrite it.

On page 2, break up Will's 8 lines of dialog with some kind of action.

Maybe he's talking with his hands or something describing the Canadian outback?

[_ray_biddle_]

This made me laugh on too, nice plus. Sometimes writers forget comedy has to be funny. Good job.