My Kick-Ass Script

[Zombeast]

Well, not yet kick ass. Here's a script for a short film I'm soon to go into production on. If you'd like, read it, and if you have any kick ass ideas tell me and maybe I'll add them to the script.

http://www1.freewebs.com/dylanpalme/Mutant%20Metropolis.txt (Text File)

http://www1.freewebs.com/dylanpalme/Mutant%20Metropolis%20html.html (HTML File)

[Brxan]

Hey!

I just got done reading the script and thought it was okay. It has the potential to be a kick ass script. Before I get into what I'm going to say about it though I want you to know that I go to school for writing and screenwriting is one of those things that we cover. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just giving you some tips and asking some questions that may clean up your script a bit.

1. You should remove your notes in the brackets. If it doesn't have anything to do with what is going to be seen on screen it shouldn't be in the script. An example of this is when the twig snaps in the lobby. The brackets said something like "I don't know why a twig is in the lobby, fuck you". From what I could understand this script is suppose to have a comedy feel to it, so I assumed the twig is there because it's a comedy.

2. At the end of the scene with the twig gag the security guard calls Simon a "honkie". Is this because the guard has a different skin color or because the guard is just another white guy how doesn't know what a honkie is? Either way it should be specified when we are introduced to the guard.

3. In the scene titled EXT. STREETS - DAWN Simon uses a hatchet against the "freaks" but in the first montage when he is getting ready to break in to the lab he grabs a knife, not a hatchet. Where did the hatchet come from?

4. Again regarding the hatchet. In the second last scene the hatchet is gone and is replaced by the knife that was originally picked up.

5. Finally, you should re-read the script carefully for grammer and the spelling of things. I know that this is trivial because you are going to be producing the thing yourself. Eventually if you want to write a different script and sell it do someone or start working with "professionals" spelling and grammer will have an impact on how professional you are. It's just a good habit to get into.

Anyways, call me an asshole if you want but those are the tips that I have for your script. Good Luck on the film.

[Zombeast]

Hey!

I just got done reading the script and thought it was okay. It has the potential to be a kick ass script. Before I get into what I'm going to say about it though I want you to know that I go to school for writing and screenwriting is one of those things that we cover. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just giving you some tips and asking some questions that may clean up your script a bit.

1. You should remove your notes in the brackets. If it doesn't have anything to do with what is going to be seen on screen it shouldn't be in the script. An example of this is when the twig snaps in the lobby. The brackets said something like "I don't know why a twig is in the lobby, fuck you". From what I could understand this script is suppose to have a comedy feel to it, so I assumed the twig is there because it's a comedy.

2. At the end of the scene with the twig gag the security guard calls Simon a "honkie". Is this because the guard has a different skin color or because the guard is just another white guy how doesn't know what a honkie is? Either way it should be specified when we are introduced to the guard.

3. In the scene titled EXT. STREETS - DAWN Simon uses a hatchet against the "freaks" but in the first montage when he is getting ready to break in to the lab he grabs a knife, not a hatchet. Where did the hatchet come from?

4. Again regarding the hatchet. In the second last scene the hatchet is gone and is replaced by the knife that was originally picked up.

5. Finally, you should re-read the script carefully for grammer and the spelling of things. I know that this is trivial because you are going to be producing the thing yourself. Eventually if you want to write a different script and sell it do someone or start working with "professionals" spelling and grammer will have an impact on how professional you are. It's just a good habit to get into.

Anyways, call me an asshole if you want but those are the tips that I have for your script. Good Luck on the film.

Don't worry, I don't think you're an asshole. I'm glad to have any feedback at all. The bracketed things are mainly just to point out to my friends (The cast/crew) that it's supposed to be there. See my friends aren't that smart and any little thing that seems weird, they'll freak out about.

The whole honky gag is because the Security Guard is black. I wrote it for my friend who is black, and always calls me a honky.

And in at the end of the INT. Simon's Basement Lab - Night, right before EXT. Streets - Dawn, it says that Simon grabs a hatchet "for that rat bastard Kaufman."

At the beginning when he grabs the knife that's a type (my bad) he's supposed to grab the hatchet. And in the car he has the knife just to be random.

I know I really need to read this thing over and over and over again. Thanks for the tips man.

[Brxan]

Nope problem, I'm just happy to help. I must have forgot the hatchet part. Awesome stuff. Do you plan on putting this film online after you finish?

[Zombeast]

Yeah, it'll either be on youtube or google video.

[felix78]

Wow really cool script mate!

[daydreamer1]

Nice!!I'm still waiting for my friend to finish our script for our movie.I dont know if its Wrong Turn 3 or Day Of the Dead.I'll post the script when I get it.Knowing him,it will be gory.

[Zombeast]

The Gore The Merrier! Sorry I couldn't help myself.

[Fromourankles]

i like the weekend at bernies joke haha

[Zombeast]

i like the weekend at bernies joke haha

I was gonna have the Weekend At Bernie's joke come back later in the script with a long tirade about the movie but the guy who was going to write it had a ton of other things to do and never got around to it.